10 Comments
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Sandy Myodo Gougis's avatar

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As someone who's been dealing with Major Depression for half a century, I see great kindness in your statement, "What would have been selfish was making her live in agony for our sake." You have a deep understanding of this disease, and it hurts my heart how dearly you've paid for the knowledge. Thank you for your beautiful, vulnerable, tender words.

TC's avatar

Thank you for sharing, there needs to be more writing like this & to show that suicide is not a taboo subject

ranya's avatar

I'm really sorry for you loss and I want to say that it takes great strength to be this vulnerable and share your wound and experience with us. the grief is enormous because the love was enormous, I'm struggling with depression myself and it can get so lonely when no-one sees you. thank you for sharing your words with us again, stay safe

Ariel ꩜'s avatar

Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable 💌 It’s important to talk about mental health, especially experiences from both the inside and outside perspective

Gauri Gangani's avatar

I haven't really felt a piece of writing in quite a long time. Thank you for this, and all the love and light to you.

Amanda's avatar

Thank you for sharing your story I lost my dad to suicide almost 3 years ago and I empathize with so much of this article. Sending you so much love!💙

Life from the rear view mirror's avatar

Thank you for the courage and love it took to post this. It’s valuable and beautifully written

Sheryl-Anne Rowan's avatar

Tysm for sharing this..

I have lived w depression & mental illness since my teenage years. As an adult, I have been made to live w chronic pain & now illness. In only a 2 month period of constantly feeling extremely sick, I wanted to end my life. That was last month! I have 5 children & cannot imagine it.. though at the time- it had nothing to do w it. Your perspective is truly appreciated!

Lian's avatar

Thank you for sharing, I felt this. And yes, people think suicidal thoughts are some sort of chaotic drunken state, but it's often not. Mental illness is more real than physical pain, in my experience at least.. it's not some state of mind you can snap out of, sometimes it becomes your actual everyday state of mind, your default setting, there's no snapping out of that, nor escaping its agony.. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Michael Eaton's avatar

I won't hand you any of the lines you're so tired of hearing — you've already taken them apart more cleanly than anyone could. What stays with me is you reaching up to brush the handset and then deciding to wait for permission. You wrote your mother's love and her careful planning as the same act, and refused to flatten it into something easier to swallow. That's the truest thing in here. Thank you for writing it.